"I had no business being here, a criminal, a poisoned man. Never again was I to blend into the precise mechanical rhythm, never to sail on the serene mirror-like sea. My fate was to burn forever, to rush hither and yon, searching for some corner to hide my eyes -- forever, until I found the strength at last to go through..." (82)
It is at this moment in the novel where D-503 comes to the realization that he is no longer the minion of OneState; it is here he realizes that he can no longer view the world in a simple mathematical sense. The quote, although short, conveys a strong feeling of a man loosing control of what is around him. D-503 starts out with a basic statement. He knows his "pure" mind has become tainted with the influence of I-330. He uses the noun criminal because, in essence, that is truly what he is. His infatuation with I-330 has caused him to separate from the very state he was so easily attached to. What I-330 has done to him is like a poison. The feelings of lust, passion, or love, whichever he may have for I-330, have made him a poisoned man. He does not think about his job or OneState; all he focuses on is her. As the quote progresses D-503's thoughts turn into a frenzy of images that show just how far his mind is wandering.
Throughout We, Yevgeny Zamyatin uses the literary technique of stream of consciousness to reflect D-503's constantly changing mental state. Ellipses are used frequently in the novel to show the unfinished end of one idea into the next. The ellipses in this quote, in particular, I find very interesting. "...searching for some corner to hide my eyes -- forever, until I found the strength at last to go through...". I find it intriguing because of where it falls in the progression of the novel. At this moment, D-503 realizes he cannot go back to his old mathematical mind (or so he thinks), therefore one question what he feels he needs the strength to go through. Two speculations arose in my mind. At first I believed D-503 was making reference to the other side of the green wall; to the wild and random jungle the lay just outside the city. However, this thought poses a slight problem. First, D-503 knew nothing of the civilization gathering beyond the city limits; and second, D-503 was literally petrified to think of what lay beyond the green boundary. Although witnessing the birds fly overhead, he also saw the eyes of wild animals and this untamed chaos was enough to drive him mad. Therefore, my second conclusion was that D-503 was waiting for the strength to go through the procedure to wipe clean his mind. The process he experiences at the end of the novel. Although unwanted by the mathematical rationalizing portion of D-503's changing mind, his physical and emotional attachment to I-330 gives him pleasure in the sense that it's such a new feeling to him. This is why D-503 accepts his fate of burning forever, because he doesn't want to give up his emotions. Therefore, to gather the strength to make his mind a blank slate is what will be the most difficult and unwanted thing for him.
I found it interesting that both in Anthem and We references are made to eternal damnation in a sense. In Anthem the Golden One tells Equality that he is damned but that she wishes to be damned along with him. Here in We, D-503 writes "My fate was to burn forever...". This fate of burning forever can be paralleled to eternal damnation and the fact that D-503 believes he can no longer return to his once obeying, simple, scheduled life. What is also interesting is that although both works allude to biblical and religious references, neither society practices a set religion. Therefore it is interesting that characters from both works make reference to hell, even though the concept is not preached. Because Equality 7-2521 and D-503 believe in such a thought of eternal damnation, were they more easily turned from their respective societies because of the feeling that their existence is not simply enough?
